These are the observations of The Sacred Romance- Drawing Closer to the Heart of God (by Brent Curtis and John Eldredge) among a few friends.   We hope you will be blessed by our “confessions” and will let us know what you are thinking, too…

MEET CANDI!   If you’ve been reading Candi, you already know this married mother of two loves non-fiction and even actually enjoys instruction manuals!   Candi is one of the most gracious women you could ever meet.   Intelligent and well-spoken, Candi described herself as “simple, yet elegant.”   And while nothing could be more true, she is also a practical joker and gets away with it because no one can believe that could come from this picture of grace and sophistication!

Candi likes Letterman, Pepsi and spagetti.   To her Burger King beats McDonalds, ice cream is better than yogurt and she is a night owl. Music is a huge part of her passion and as you can see, she has  two  adorable children, Clayton, 6, who is quite a singer himself and Lainey, 3 1/2 years old.   Her dream job of being an event planner is surely within her grasp, as she and her husband’s family are the proprietors of The Stonebrook Manor, a truly beautiful special events center (www.stonebrookmanor.com) .

Candi’s  greatest fear is that she’ll choose the easy road rather than the right road for her life, but if you know her, you doubt that is possible.   Her post about the chapter this week is a powerful look at what God is out to save us from!   You’re awesome, Candi!   Thanks for sharing your heart with us here!

Chapter Eight: The Adversary – Legends of the Fall

Candi starts us off on this chapter:   For the last week I’ve had writer’s block.  I was supposed to start the writing on Chapter 8 over a week ago, but couldn’t get to it mostly because I was really busy.  However, I was having a small problem knowing what God wanted me to say.  Now I know.  

Last Wednesday night my Great-Aunt Stella died and I, along with my Mom and Dad, was with her in the room when it happened.  Her death wasn’t a surprise as we knew she was experiencing her last days.  

Let me tell you about Auntie Stella.  She was one of the sweetest people I’ve ever known and when you were in her presence you just felt loved.  Last year my parents moved her from her house into a nursing home because at that point she couldn’t walk and needed medical treatment.  She had the best attitude.  She was the type that made lemonade out of lemons and she settled into her new environment like it was a new adventure.  She had such an impact on many of the nurses and workers that cared for her.  

The kids and I visited her regularly and did she ever love my children!  In fact, she was my firstborn son,  Clayton’s, very first visitor in the hospital  when he was born.  Auntie Stella, there is definitely something missing in the world now that you are gone.  I can’t wait to see you again in our Lord’s presence and I love you!

It was after her death that I realized what I needed to say in response to the chapter of our adversary.  Please note that this is a bit disturbing.  After she passed, I left the room to call my husband, brother, and sister and was gone about 20 minutes.  After the phone calls I returned to the room and as I walked in I was hit with the smell of “death.”  

Now I’ve been told that when you smell “death” you know it and it was horrible.  I left shortly after that, but that smell was all I could smell all the way home and it was so bad it was making me dry-heave.  A mile before my house I could smell a skunk and I’m telling you I welcomed the skunk smell just to be able to replace the smell   [of death] that I could actually taste.  I immediately showered when I got home to release me of that stink.

You know what God showed me?  Sin is “death” and DEATH STINKS.  God needed me to experience “death” in order to truly grasp our adversary’s plan.  In reading this book, God has been romancing my spirit!  It’s been awesome, wonderful, incredible.  Honestly words can’t fully describe it.  However, God showed me through this week’s events just how putrid sin and death really are.  After experiencing this, I realize the worship I’ve been giving God just isn’t doing Him justice!  Father, forgive me for not giving you the ultimate praise you so rightly deserve.  May I praise you daily with my life and return to you the love that you so freely give!

Amy Jo says:   “His [Satan’s] desire was, and still is, to possess everything that belongs to God, including the worship of all those whom God loves.” (p.101) He will settle for less than outright worship though, let me tell you. Page 108 held for me a new concept: the neutralization of worship. “He [Satan] separates beauty from truth and thus our thirst from our religious practice and the obedience of faith… He replaces the love affair with a religious system of do’s and don’ts that parch our hearts and replaces our worship and communion services with entertainment.”     I had never thought of it before.

For example, as a worship leader, I am always conscious of my heart’s attitude as I go before others and attempt to assist them in worshiping God corporately. Is it possible that Satan considers it a victory when I am sucked out of the worship experience for any reason at all: intrusive thoughts, wardrobe malfunction, band miscommunication, people who don’t sing and stand there with their arms folded across their chest? I know I can’t be perfect, because I notice stuff; my senses just EXIST, man! And surely God is honored by my effort, but is there any way I can present Him with more excellent worship? Any way I can encourage those I lead to stay “present” during the song portion of our worship service? Any way I can help dismantle the unwritten supposition that we’re up there performing, and that it’s a great time to “check out”? These are only some of the thoughts I have been thinking lately on the topic of worship. One day, I fear some poor soul somewhere, will suffer the cumulative effect of all this rumination in the form of an impromptu sermon. (Look out, eh?)

Another new concept for me was something I only noticed now about the story of Adam and Eve, a story I’ve known ever since I can remember. When Satan was quizzing them on the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, he subsequently tempted them with this phrase: “You will not surely die, for God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” (Gen. 3.4-5) Is it possible that Satan was not necessarily tempting them with equality to God but perhaps the desire for godliness—to know, be aware of, and always be able to discern the difference between good and evil? Whoa. Talk about the ultimate example of disguising himself as a messenger of the Light! Thinking about their temptation in this way makes me realize how tricky Satan can be. May I always align my quest to be “like” God with His actual commands!

 I found the first paragraph on page 106 to be especially poignant. I cannot quote it here because it is too long, but for those of you who don’t have a copy of the book, it is a colorful analogy of the romance between God and His creation. It entails a description of how she is seduced and cheats on Him and is raped while He is forced not to intervene because He cannot convince her to trust Him enough to let Him rescue her. Over time, His beloved’s beauty suffers the effects of alcohol, drugs, occult practices, and infant sacrifice “until she is no longer recognizable in body or soul,” and yet He even sends His only Son to talk with her about His love for her though He knows that she will eventually kill Him. The whole time I was reading this, I just wanted to SHAKE the Beloved and tell her what she is doing—to somehow stop her from hurting God so much. It was a weird feeling because I knew it was an analogy the whole time, and kept alternately putting myself it the shoes of the Beloved (since I am part of His Beloved!). “All this and more God has endured because of His refusal to sop loving us.   Indeed, the very depth and faithfulness of His love for us, along with His desire for our freely given love in return, are what give Satan the ammunition to wound God so deeply as he carries out his unceasing campaign to make us into God’s enemy.” I wonder, How have I personally been like this description of the Beloved?

Finally! THIS chapter addresses the question I posed at the end of my review for chapter one: How will these authors address the inherent deceitful wickedness of my heart that is mentioned in Jeremiah 17:9? This whole time I have been wondering how they can keep validating my heart’s longings. They don’t know me!

I think this is so important, that I really must type the whole paragraph for those of you who don’t have this book and are just randomly reading our review because you like us…”’But can you really trust the thirst of your heart?’ the enemy whispers in my ear… And the answer to that is, ‘Yes. Once my heart is separated from the life of the Sacred Romance, offered to me through the atonement of Christ, and left to seek out life on its own terms, there is no perversity it will not sink to.’ Part of Satan’s grand strategy of separating us from our heart, once Jesus has drawn us to an awareness of being His sons and daughters through believing faith, is to convince us that our heart’s desires are at core illegitimate.” (Pp. 108-109) Well, then! I’m going to have to chew on this one some more—it goes against everything I’ve ever known to be true! If it’s true that Satan wants me to think this of my heart, and I –of course—don’t want to give Him ammo, then I need to reevaluate some things. May I be shown the truth about the heart You’ve given me, God!

Let me close my review of this chapter with another random, yet personally profound quote: “Given all this, it becomes crucial that we become a generation of storytellers who are both recapturing the glory and joy of the Sacred Romance even as we tell each other our particular stories, so that we can help each other, through God’s Spirit, see His plan of redemption at work in us.” (p.114) So be it, starting with me!

Jeanie’s thoughts:  “…it is the voice of our adversary…the antagonist…”

I  really did not even want to get into this chapter, after having just read two about God as the Romancer, my heart’s Pursuer, me as God’s Beloved.   But what a great reminder of enemy ploys.   What a resounding call to get free from the bondages and enslavements that tie our hearts in knots, slowly, but surely sucking the life out of us, keeping us from the freely given and abundant existence God intended, and quietly drawing us away from the One…

Isn’t this the main question when we wonder why we are Beloved and yet live full of fear and doubt and self-hatred: “What is the source of the persistent accusations in our head and heart?”

This chapter was just rich with an explanation of enemy tactics.  But they pointed out 2 main ways our adversary is able to separate us “from our heart…to seduce us…by making us believe that it is God who is our enemy” (page 110).  The first, the authors likened to Cinderella’s evil stepsisters, the voices that taunt us with lies about who we are and about who God is.  He deceives us into thinking he isn’t even there, but that it is just us hearing sentences and voices in our head and we’re just struggling on our own.  And isn’t this why we often don’t ask for prayer support from people who care?  We believe it’s just me…

The enemy of our souls, though, once finally recognized for the troubler he is, will often become enlarged in our minds as we realize the battle in spiritual realms.  We can begin to look for him and his workings everywhere, giving him more space than he is due, demon-sensitivity rising, which the writers rightly point out can become almost a form of worship.

I’ve given Satan too much due, too much credit, partly sometimes just by not exposing the “evil works of darkness,” or shamefully covering how he somehow defeated me.  He not only separates us from God, (we, hanging our heads in shame and running the other way), he isolates us from one another.  If we’re not mindful, we’ll end up living carefully constructed lives that become dishonest temples of reputations, leaving our friends and family and people we love to suffocate in their own battles alone, not realizing we would understand.

   

And finally Heather:   Well, this chapter couldn’t have been timelier for me. I, like Jeanie, did not want to delve into this chapter after reading of the romancer of my heart. It seems so anticlimactic. However, what this chapter has done for me has been quite profound. I have found myself within these pages probably more so than any of the others. I am saddened to say that, on one hand, yet I know God has been with me the entire journey and is here with me even in the midst of my realization of the deception that has been playing out in my heart and life in recent months.

 

I have been lulled by the enemy. The truths I’ve known to be true have become diluted by the prince of the earth’s whispers, yes, but also by my own attempt to do it all, and to make everyone happy. This chapter talks about how satan can lure you away, then accuse you with the very things he’s lured you away with! With that thought I think, “Wow, how easily manipulated I am, that he can lie to me, then use those lies to keep me cornered!”   I will slowly become ineffective because I can no longer hear the truth. I can even assist satan by my own weaknesses and really, he can stand back in the corner, just affirming my self condemning thoughts and not really do anything at all!

 

I think the purpose of satan and his arrows is: “..to continue my life separated emotionally and spiritually from myself my friends and my family as well as God my father-simply filling in time”, (page 115). I think that as satan has had me so busy running around trying to do the “right thing”,   I’ve really lost sight of what God has intended for me, which in turn has cost my freedom. I‘ve been stuck in the bondage of “doing the right thing”, because it simply was not what God wanted of me.   The truth is I couldn’t even hear God anymore. I had given the voice of my enemy more credence than the voice of my creator. Maybe it sounds extreme, but it’s true. I couldn’t hear God, and thankfully He loves me enough to find other ways to communicate to me if I can’t hear him. He is my pursuer, my romancer. He did let me try this my own way, though. He waited for me to see how ineffective my way was, (it was!) .

 

This chapter talks about how the enemy will even use the voices of those around us, yes, even our loved ones. A comment meant as a joke maybe, or something said in anger that pierces our heart. Then the inner dialogue begins, and we cultivate this lie into our own truth. On page 116 we see that satan is hoping to deceive us by allowing us to think it’s our own inner voice, not his: “I am not here. It’s just you struggling with all these things.”   We confuse his lying voice with our own. How freaky is that?!   He is a snake! We have to be so careful to know what Truth really is! I know this all too well…

 

So, I can tell you that the messages from the arrows are there. There seems to be just enough believability within them that I have accepted them. I began to believe them, and made them part of my identity. I will tell you that today, I know God is with me, He loves me and He is helping me find Truth again. I feel like I need to be in a place of really going slow, walking intentionally, not willy nilly doing this and that, but slowing down to hear him again. I have tasted freedom, but I know it’s a thin line between walking in truth and crossing over into the accuser’s territory once again. I need to stay in truth right now. It’s necessary for my well being. This chapter was necessary for my walk and my health, now may I continue to seek God and only His way for my life.

Thanks again my friends and just so everyone knows how I really feel: to hell with the devil!…Jeanie

 

 NOTE TO SELF: To You, Lord, be glory in the Church and in my life forever and ever.   Amen.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Observations of The Sacred Romance – Drawing Closer to the Heart of God (by Brent Curtis and John Eldredge) among a few friends.  You don't even have to be reading the book to enjoy these comments!  We just hope you are being blessed and you'll let us know what you are thinking, too… 

Let me introduce you to Heather:  Heather and her cutie-patootie husband, Eric have been happily married for over 13 years now and have produced two beautiful little girls.  The whole family is in love with Germany, their beautiful German Shepherd "baby girl."

Heather calls herself goofy, emotional, devoted and adventurous and fluent in "mom-ease," though those of us who know her also know she is an extraodinary communicator with an amazing ability to love and exhort!  She is truly gifted in leadership.

If she's traveling, Heather's desire is "pamper me, baby," but she is a strong woman who believes the best part of being a mommy is carrying a child.  A Dance Revolution Champion, Heather is working to be the best in Guitar Hero.  When asked when she last cried she replied, "Oh, for crying out loud – I probably cried today at some point.  I lose track."  We love that about her, too!

Chapter Six: God the Ageless Romancer & Chapter Seven: The Beloved

From Heather:  From this chapter I believe I am beginning to see God in a new way.  I know that God is the Lover of my heart, but I can’t say I’ve ever really “gotten it”.  It is difficult for me to understand Him as pursuing me, and loving me, that I am his bride. I have to say (this is really hard to admit to), but I’ve been very clumsy with this terminology my entire Christian walk, that of the church being his bride. I really believe it goes back to my relationship with my father. I won’t bore you with details, but my biological father knew of me and refused to have anything to do with me. My “dad”, who came into my life at 3-ish was distant and unattached. When called to make that connection between my relationship with my dad and my relationship with my God, there just isn’t one, at least not one that’s positive. So, there is some junk there that needs to be healed to be sure.  

I loved how this chapter referred to the intimacy of the Trinity as, “heroic intimacy”. That is a beautiful description. “The story that is the Sacred Romance begins not with God alone, the Author at his desk, but God in relationship, intimacy beyond our wildest imagination, heroic intimacy. The trinity is at the center of the universe; perfect relationship is the heart of all reality.”  I love that part!  “..Perfect relationship is the heart of all reality.”  Read on and it says this: “We long for intimacy because we are made in the image of perfect intimacy. “  

If the chapter ended right there, it would have been more than enough for me to chew on. It just saddens me as to how I’ve gotten so far from perfect relationship and perfect intimacy. I feel like it’s almost out of reach. Maybe it is this side of heaven, but I know our journey doesn’t begin at the pearly gates, so I will ask Him to help me understand this mysterious relationship with the lover of my soul.  

There is mention of whether or not God is trustworthy, and on page 70, this question is posed: “How can I trust a lover who is so wild?” I think that’s a fair question! I do want to trust Him. I really do, and though intimacy is an issue for me, I know I can trust him with my heart once I am able to fully hand it over to him. I began this chapter telling myself that I trusted God with my heart, but I believe I’ve been lying to myself. I think I want to, but I don’t think I have fully given Him all of my heart yet. I think I’ve been holding back a portion of it from him. I can say that when faced with many of the uncertainties of life (thus far) I can typically walk in peace and say that I trust Him and His will for the situation. So if that’s the case, why haven’t I handed over all of my heart? 

Here’s another morsel to chew on, from age 73: “We long for intimacy because we are made in the image of perfect intimacy.” Oh, how calloused my heart must be! I know it’s true! Yet within I can feel the hole in my heart. The intimacy hasn’t been given permission to come in yet. God, pull out of me the poisonous roots within so that you can fill it up! 

The act of creation is part of His romancing us, “With a world that is beautiful and funny and full of adventure.” The authors instruct us, “Don’t rush ahead to the Fall. Stay here a moment and feel God’s happiness with it all.” This is what really changed my perspective. In light of creation, He has been my “Creator” and creation has been awesome, and awe-inspiring. Now I see the whole of creation as a living love letter to all of us, to me. That’s reaches me. That is a healing balm working its way in.  

On Chapter 7 It felt to me like this chapter was breathing life into me. We long to be known, to be valuable, to be pursued. Yes, yes yes. But here is my issue: I worked very hard earlier on in life to be important to some of the core people and was left high and dry. John Eldridge relives an embarrassing situation he had in the 2^nd grade, where he really needed his parents to come to his rescue, and they weren’t home: “In a moment of real need, when I so desperately wanted someone to be there for me, I was alone. Something clicked within me; an image settled in that place, which captured the message that I had better never blow it again because there wouldn’t be anyone to pick me up when I fell.” Been there, brother. I understood emotional self sufficiency early on as a kid and the rest of my “independence” followed in my early teens. It’s true, that when you are in that moment of need and really crying for help, and you reach out only to find nothing to hang on to, you find a sort of coping mechanism that rises up within you to harden that part of your heart that was pierced.  I want intimacy, but there is a history of intimacy broken.  

This chapter also talks about how we crave the applause of the Father. So true, but I think we (I) have gotten this confused with the stuff I do instead of the relationship with him. I am a do-er, though I don’t normally admit that… However it’s very refreshing to hear the author’s say that, “Identity is not something that falls on us out of the sky. For better or for worse, identity is bestowed.” I could be running around “doing” all kinds of stuff, but it has nothing to do with my identity! I guess I knew that, but it’s sinking in now. It’s freeing. I just want to rest in my own skin, you know what I mean?  

I think this is my favorite chapter so far, and all of them have been great. Hearing of how we were “stolen from our true love and that He [God], launched the greatest campaign in the history of the world to get us back.” This is the fairy tale! “God created us for intimacy with him. When we turned our back on him he promised to come for us. He sent personal messengers; He used beauty and affliction to recapture our hearts. After all else failed, he conceived the most daring of plans. Under the cover of night he stole into the enemy’s camp incognito, as the Ancient of Days disguised as a newborn.” 

That is such a beautiful way of putting it! This chapter sets me up for running to Him with total abandon. It’s the progression of a love story that has the drama, the passion the conflict (our rebellion) and His unchanging love for us. We are damaged goods, yes. But thankfully that’s just not the end of the story! At one point the authors point out that we are “glorious ruins." It’s beautiful imagery of  the essence of us here on earth. This also was quite insightful: “The fact that we don’t see our own glory is part of the tragedy of the fall; a sort of spiritual amnesia has taken all of us.” Pair that with this thought: “As hard as it may be for us to see our sin, it is far harder still for us to remember our glory. The pain of the memory of our former glory is so excruciating, we would rather stay in the pigsty than return to our true home.”  Ouch-well said. I don’t want to stay in my pigsty. I want to find even a hint of the qualities that God sees in me. I am so humbled to know of his pursuit of me, in the way this book has shared it.  

This is a wonderful note to end on:  “If God is the pursuer, the Ageless Romancer, the Lover, then there has to be a beloved, one who is the pursued. This is our role in the story.” I love it!  

Input from Candi:  These chapters are doing so much in helping me to grasp a new aspect of God’s character.  I’ve done some really in-depth studies of the Old Testament and learned so much about the character of God, but this book has brought a whole other element of God’s love into the picture.  It’s so exciting! 

Chapter 6 starts with “So long as we imagine it is we who have to look for God, we must often lose heart.  But it is the other way about- He is looking for us.”  (Simon Tugwell) I have to admit that I often forget this and I have lost heart.  I have been the “practical agnostic” thinking “perhaps God will come through, perhaps He won’t, so I’ll be hanged if I’ll live as though he had to come through.  I’ll hedge my bets and if he does show up, so much the better.”  Why would I want to devote my life and serve a God that occasionally comes through?  Well, I know now that this book is clearly opening my eyes to where I have been misled in the past and clarifying that God is the hero of my story! 

This chapter focuses on The Larger Story: God’s Eternal Heart, His Heart Betrayed, and His Heart on Trial.  It is vital in the Christian walk to really understand “God’s Eternal Heart.”  It’s so easy to get caught up in our important mortal stories and forget that God’s heart was for us even before creation.  Before creation God is “in relationship, intimacy beyond our wildest imagination, heroic intimacy.  The Trinity is at the center of the universe; perfect relationship is the heart of all reality.”  God created us to share His love with us, but “God does not need the Creation in order to have something to love because within Himself love happens.”  God Is Love! 

I don’t think I ever really understood the true purpose of the Trinity.  Up until now, I knew how they related to each other, ie. God the Father, Jesus the Son, Holy Spirit as God’s spirit living in us.  However, I never comprehended that they represented perfect intimacy.  I never could have imagined that “we were created out of the laughter of the Trinity!” Pg. 74.  What an awesome thought! 

The chapter goes on to explain the “cosmic divorce, a betrayal in the heart of the universe.  Satan…turned on his Maker.” Pg. 73.  “Satan mounted his rebellion through the power of one idea: God doesn’t have a good heart.” Pg. 76.   God proves to us, though, that His heart is for us even when he offers us freedom and we reject Him.  “Here, at the lowest point in our relationship, God announces his intention never to abandon us but to seek us out and win us back.”  At this point He offers us Grace. 

When studying the Old Testament it’s so easy to ask, “Why didn’t the Israelites get it?”  Now I’m laughing because I’m asking, “Why didn’t I get it?”  The authors have us read the passages from the prophets on pg. 79 as if we were eavesdropping on a lovers’ quarrel and I FINALLY understand God’s heart! 

These chapters have made my need for perfect intimacy come alive again.  It is achievable…it is out there!  And it’s inviting me up into something larger…it’s looking for ME!   

I realize I was taught to try to be humble.  The need for attention and to be desired isn’t humble enough.  I’ve been living with an inner struggle of not wanting to draw attention to myself, but knowing there’s a need to be recognized, to impact others.  I realize, though, that a BIG weight is being lifted off because “we were made for glory, for the attention that the Trinity gives to each other, and we can’t live without it.” Pg. 92.  “The Trinity is a society whose members draw their identities from the others.”  Pg. 87.  If it’s true that “we are created as a reflection of the Trinity”, then I am now on a mission to know how the Trinity truly defines me.  I also know that as I edge closer to seeing this reflection, I will fully see who God is calling me to be without reservation!  I am His Beloved!

The youngster, Amy Jo, chimes in:  We are created for intimacy and we are created for Romance! Like you Heather, I was struck by that assertion on p. 73, “We long for intimacy because we are made in the image of perfect intimacy.”  That intimacy is the unfathomable bond between the members of the Trinity. As Candi said, “God IS love!”  I was enthralled by the authors’ synopsis of the events before Genesis. I had never before considered God’s feelings about pre-Creation events—how it must have affected His heart to have Lucifer call into question His very goodness, wage war in heaven, and ultimately take off with a third of all His angels! This chapter provides a fantastic picture of the larger story of all of history.  

Have you ever wondered why we were created? Of course you have. Yet, if God is love and desires this kind of intimacy, does that not make Him somehow needy? No. And I really appreciate how the authors reaffirmed His autonomy by quoting Buechner, “God does not need the Creation in order to have something to love because within Himself love happens.” (p.73) Cool, huh? I bet you have also wondered why God bothered to create mankind, fully knowing that they would rebel and revolt? Why would He make creatures who could hurt Him so? Free-will seems like an awfully risky venture, and if I were creating my own little world, I think I’d avoid handing THAT out! But here is the answer our authors give: “In order for a true romance to occur, we had to be free to reject him… The reason He didn’t make puppets is because He wanted lovers.” (pp. 77-78) Now that makes sense… Chosen, freely-given, sacrificial love means SO much more than forced or coerced love. I get it now!               

On CH 7: The Beloved,  All good stories are successful because they contain or mimic the story of the gospel. They contain similar elements: a hero, a villain, a love interest, a betrayal, redemption… it’s true. And as our authors point out on p.92, “The reason we enjoy fairy tales—more than enjoy them—the reason we identify with them in some deep part of us is because they rest on two great truths: The hero really has a heart of gold and the beloved really possesses a hidden beauty. In the chapter [6], I hope you got a glimpse of God’s good heart. But what about the second great truth—could we possess hidden greatness? It seems too good to be true.” 

That phrase, “the Beloved,” is kind of distracting for me because my name (Amy) means beloved. It’s weird because while I am aware of that connection, I don’t always think of myself that way—as “the Beloved.” I don’t walk around insisting to be treated as someone dearly loved, yet I insist that people call me by my name… interesting.  I also grew up with the concept of the Church being the “Bride of Christ.” So that one wasn’t a shocker to me either. But I have baggage attached to that phrase. My problem is this: to be called “Bride of Christ” or “Beloved” implies some intrinsic value: something I know I have but don’t usually accept because I am always aware of my imperfections. Surely the Beloved Bride is cleaner than I am, more worthy, more deserving. Our authors refute this thinking, saying, “We don’t have to get God to love us by doing something right—even loving Him… There is nothing we need to do to keep it up, because His love for us is not based on what we’ve done, but who we are: His beloved.” (p.98) YAY! 

I have to admit I am often not particularly fond of Christ’s Bride. She can be a bride-zilla, if you know what I mean! Christians can be some of the most unforgiving, petty, closed-minded, cruel, back-biting people you’ll ever meet. And this is sad. This is the Bride’s rebellion. “The fact that we don’t see our own glory is part of the tragedy of the Fall; a sort of spiritual amnesia has taken all of us…we have forgotten our part.” (p.94) May I come to love the Bride of Christ (myself included) as He does… see her as He sees her: lovable, redeemable, and forgivable.

Curtis and Eldredge quoted C.S. Lewis’ The Weight of Glory on page 93: “It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship, or else a horror and a corruption such as you now meet, if at all, only in a nightmare… There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal.” We ARE immortal. Every single soul on this earth is eternal. The choice is ours as to how we spend it: with or without our “Ageless Romancer.”

And finally, it's me, Jeanie: "Once upon a time were Father, Son and Holy Spirit – the kind of home we've been looking for all our life" (page 74).  Sometimes it happens, it may be fleeting, but occasionally you get to experience it: rich moments of holy laughter with family, a good meal shared in love while kind memories flow and encouraging words of appreciation are being expressed.  And when it happens, you know you are on holy ground.  You know you are experiencing something of the divine.  You understand the table of fellowship in heaven.

I had one such evening last night.  It was the first time we had gathered the whole family from all our travels to celebrate Mother's Day and the birthdays of my two eldest daughters, Tara and Stephanie.  And time and space and life being what it is, you always hope everyone can come in and shed the stress and distractions and enjoy the company, but we are no different than other families.  It does not always happen that way.  But last night I could sense the joy of the Trinity, the sense of "we are complete," and "we are one."  I breathe it in with deep appreciation, even now.

And because I am the matriarch of this family, because I actually birthed these incredible human beings, the joy-seed of my love with Dave, I can understand better the heart of God toward us.  Because, omygoodness,  my heart toward my children and their children is so full of love and goodness and purity and mercy.  I haven't done it all right or even very well (which God of course, has), but whether they have yet realized it or not: my kids can trust my heart towards them.  I will always love them.  I will always think the best of them.  I will always be their biggest fan.  They should never have to fear me or rejection from me.  So why do I with my Romancer?

Page 82: "Once upon a time we lived in a garden; we lived in the place for which we were made.  There were no Arrows, only beauty.  Our relationships weren't tainted with fear, guardedness, manipulation, quid pro quo.  Our work was rewarding, we received more than we gave…We were made for the garden, but now there is affliction also, and that is because we live East of Eden.  The Arrows seem the truest part of life, but they are not."  And in the spring when I put my hands into the soil and help the chubby fingers of grandsons push seed into the ground, it is almost like I can hear God calling me like He once called Adam, "Jeanie, Jeanie, where are you?"  He knows where I am, but He asks so that I'll take stock at where I have gone, to make sure I know where I am…

Isn't the great paradox that "we long to be known and we fear it like nothing else"?  We believe things about ourselves that aren't true (Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will really hurt me) and we run from the Pursuer thinking He believes those things are true, too.  Yet, His own Word calls us: "…the Holy…the Redeemed…the Sought-after…"

"This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us…" (1 John 4.10).  I am my Beloved's and He is mine.  Here I am, Lord…

Thank-you again, Heather and Candi and Amy Jo for your insightful and transparent sharing…Jeanie

Read previous chapter discussions here.

NOTE TO SELF:  Everything I've always really wanted comes from God.  Everything.  Answer His call.

Observations of The Sacred Romance – Drawing Closer to the Heart of God (by Brent Curtis and John Eldredge) among a few friends.  We hope you'll let us know, whether you've read the book or not, how you are getting closer to God's heart and what you're thinking, too…

Chapter Five: The Wildness of God

I'd like to introduce you to Amy Jo: Amy Jo lives just northwest of the Denver-Metro area with her handsome husband, Damon and their 4-year old pug dog, whom Amy Jo thinks is a raving beauty, Mia Josephine Lucia.

She describes herself as a 30-year old, blond-haired, blue-eyed, God-loving, beauty-appreciating and imitating confectionary addict in braids.  She brings a sense of the zany into the room, to be sure!

Her favorite quote from a Radiohead song is, “The best you can is good enough,” which partly must be what makes her such a grace-giver.  She is also an artist who is eclectic and passionate about color and she cried when Brooke got eliminated from American Idol because she liked her a lot (and we all were reminded of Amy Jo when we saw Brooke because of her personality and singing style/musical ability). Taco Bell, A & W Root Beer and Chai are her choices.  She’s a reader, a scripture lover and memorizer; she’s thoughtful and meditative and silly all at once. We love our Amy Jo and hope you are enjoying her posts here!

Amy Jo kicks us off:  I totally get [this chapter], totally.  God taught me about His wildness during the dark period of my life which I mentioned in my chapter four response.  This is where I live – the reality of chapter 5. But I wonder if I am stuck here?

"Should we love with hopeful abandon, trusting in a larger story whose ending is good or should we live in our small stories and glean what we can from the Romance while trying to avoid the Arrows?…There seems to be no direct correlation between the way we live our lives and the resulting fate God has in store for us, at least on this earth." (page 47)  Preach it, brothers; life is a crapshoot!  Eat only a high-fiber diet with plenty of water, walk your dog everyday, worship God, be kind to others, and still die of a stomach condition at 48…

"We cover the question [in our heart – about God's goodness] with rationalizations that let Him off the hook and allow us to still believe…" (Page 49)  "We might be able to rationalize away that question by telling ourselves that we need to be more careful, or that sometimes others are just bad." (page 50)

The authors speak at length about the story of Job – how God took everything away from him to test him.  Job had done nothing wrong, and the instances in which his family and earthly possessions were taken could not be attributed to anything but acts of God Himself.  So if Job was not guilty and warranting punishment, and if others could not be blamed for his suffering, what is the answer to the question of why God would do this?  There are key people in my life who truly struggle with anger toward God over this very issue.  And while I understand where the emotion of anger comes from, I do not think it appropriate to EVER be angry with God.  I have no right.  the fact that He created me and allows me to breathe is pure grace.  What I DESERVE from God are eternal separation, utter calamity and destruction.  Everything beyond this is pure grace: my whole life.  Now, as to why things that I perceive to be "bad" happen, I ask: do we really need to know?  Is not the simple fact that God is to be glorified in everything reason enough?  "Shall we accept the good from God, and not also the trouble?"  Job 2.10

"Indeed, God calls us to battles where the deck appears stacked in favor of those who are His enemies and ours, just to increase the drama of the play.  And there is the clear picture, even from God Himself, that He does so to enhance His own glory." (page 55)  Who am I to have a problem with that plan?  But if I am fine with the wildness of God and accept that my role in His drama could be painful and tragic, how come I still don;t see the play I am in?  Are my eyes blind to His moving?  "What is this drama God has dropped us into the middle of?  What act of the play are we in and what do our scenes have to do with the larger story being told?" (page 59)  I need to humble myself to accept a role without human recognition, or even fruit that is evident to me.  The chapter ends with the cry of my heart, "If only we understood His heart more clearly…"

Jeanie adds this: "[We live our lives before] the wild, dangerous, unfettered and free character of the living God." – Walter Bruggeman.

I couldn't help wanting to sing Chris Tomlin's song, "Indescribable" throughout this whole chapter.  His lyrics are all from the Book of Job when God basically says to Job, You listen to me; I am Who I am.  I do what I do.  I am good.  What are you going to do about Me?  The song is a rousing, uplifting anthem in tribute to a majestic and powerful God.  But I bet for Job, it was humbling and hard to listen to.  If I'd been in his place, I think my head would've been hanging very low.  I actually think Job was pretty restrained in his question-asking.  I've been worse.

Amy Jo, because of what you went through and came out of, you are so sure and able to call black "black" and white "white" and God "God."  I have and do struggle with it, wondering "Why, God?  How long?"  And really, it seems ingrained even in the church that when some one is in despair, there is a jump to the conclusion that they did something to deserve it.  If some one is living in blessing, we assume they are doing all the right things.  I've been the object of these judgements, both good and bad.  And I haven't known how to explain why I am blessed any more than why on earth I have gone through some very, seriously trying, painful times of loss and grief.

My dad underlined this paragraph on page 49 and it resonated with me, as well: "…embedded in our stories, deep down in our heart, in a place so well guarded that they have rarely if ever been exposed to the light of day, are other grief-laden and often angry questions: 'God, why did You allow this to happen to me?  Why did You make me like this?  What will You allow to happen next?'  In the secret places of our heart, we believe God is the One who did not protect us from these things or even the One who perpetrated them upon us.  Our questions about Him make us begin to live with a deep apprehension that clings anxiously to the depths of our hearts…'Do You really care for me, God?'"  Oh, I have asked questions.  I have even been angry at God.

But I really got some great clarity when they pointed out the Genesis account of the life of Jacob and how God used both "crippling and blessing" over the course of Jacob's life to show him that his story was more than the small, clever and manipulative story Jacob was creating, but was, in fact, part of the great redemptive plan God Himself was authoring.

So I loved this portion from page 61 and I really want to share it for those of you who don't have the book.  Think about this: "The battles God calls us to, the woundings and cripplings of soul and body we all receive, cannot simply be ascribed to our sin and foolishness, or even to the sin and foolishness of others.  When Jesus and the disciples were on the road one day, they came upon a man who had been blind since birth.  'Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents?' they asked Him. 'Neither this man nor his parents sinned,' said Jesus, 'but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.'  And with that, Jesus spat on the ground, made some mud to place on the man's eyes, and healed him (John 9.1-7)."

"Many of us who are reading these words have not yet received God's healing.  The display of God's works through our wounds, losses, and sufferings is yet to be revealed.  And so, we groan and we wonder."

So, God of the Universe, You who see every sparrow that falls, You who created the heavens and the earth and also wrote out all the days of my life before I was even one day old (Psalm 139), do You "thoughtfully and thoroughly" orchestrate my steps, my life – to bring about my redemption for Your glory?  Can it be true?  You are who You are.  You do what You do.  You are good.  When I tell You that I surrender all and that I am living for Your fame, Your Name, and Your acclaim in the earth and in my life, do I even know what I am saying?  Yikes!  I am learning.

And hey, AJ – what is that "die of a stomach condition at 48" thing??!?  Watch it, girl!  Ha!!

Heather wrote:  What a great chapter. Scary, but great. I’ve never heard of God being described as “wild” and to me it sounds disheveled and chaotic. I know that’s not my God. So it was really interesting to hear of the “..wild, dangerous, unfettered and free character of the living God.”  It just filled me with awe, and a whole new level of holy fear. A friend, Mary Jean, who is an amazing teacher, once put the concept of the fear of the Lord in this context:  “I love you, sir.” I totally felt that reading this chapter.

The Question in Our Heart  The concept here is that from traumatic events and the “..terror we enter and the seeming lack of rescue from it leave us with a deeply imprinted questions about God that we hide in our heart, sometimes not allowing the light of day to touch it for years, even deep into our spiritual journey. We cover the question with rationalizations that let him off the hook and allow us to still believe, but our beliefs rest on foundations that move and quake under us."  It goes on to say that this question is “lodged deep in our heart, hidden from our conscious mind:  “Do you care for me, God?” 

I think this question is probably core to every human’s existence, whether they know it, or choose to acknowledge it or not.   I wonder if this question is lodged deep within my heart somewhere. Along with questions such as, “Why? Why did that happen to me? Why did it seem like there was a target on my back growing up? What did I do to deserve this junk?”

Now, I have thought for years I was actually really lucky considering things that other innocent victims have suffered (I still do feel that way). But are those my rationalizations? I don’t know. I have to tell you, this one has me thinking, and I think I need to get to the bottom of it with God in order to move forward.   

Another characteristic of our “Wild God” is brought up as the authors recall a scene from The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe, where sweet Lucy asks Mr. and Mrs. Beaver if their king, Aslan is safe.  “..Who said anything about safe? ‘Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good. He’s the king, I tell you.” I guess I wouldn’t want a “safe” God. I’ve just never really thought about it. I need to be safe with him, and I know that I am. But he isn’t safe. He is mighty, powerful, jealous, able to breathe life into and take life out of anything.  

To know and be aware of the fact that His will is going to be accomplished on earth in and through all of us is simply amazing. But to know that he will use whatever means necessary, sometimes complete devastation without any understanding or reason, and sometimes through blessing though we’ve done nothing to earn it, all to reveal His glory, does put us in a position of complete helplessness, (and hopefully submission to Him.)  To know it’s all for His good, whether or not we can see it, doesn’t offer much consolation sometimes.  Because if we’re honest, when life is hard and it’s pouring down on us, and we cannot see two feet in front of us, we can quickly lose sight of the glorious end.  ..But God  “He isn’t safe, But He’s good. He’s the king, I tell you.” 

 Lord, I tremble at the thought of how I’ve tried to “know your ways” or how you might feel about something or how you would direct my steps.  I don’t know. I know nothing, I am a simple child. Please have mercy on me and my pride. Please continue to uproot within me the things that separate me from you, mainly, me. Uproot me. Replant me, God, if it’s possible, I’d like to grow again.    

Candi wrapped this chapter up:  After reading this chapter, I realize that I’m scared to death.  Not scared of God, but I’m scared of completely surrendering to the role God has for me.  “It seems that the part God has written for us is much too big and certainly too dangerous.”  Pg. 53.  However, this complete surrender is what’s required of me. 

“Every human being is of great significance to God, but those whom God has drawn to believe in him are center stage in a drama of cosmic proportions.” Pg. 53.  Well, I want to write my own “safe” script!  “Even though the smaller plays we write are often just pieces of stories, becoming our own directors and playwrights at least promises a level of control over the script.  We hope we can eliminate most of the relational unknowns along with the villain and live in our smaller stories with some modicum of peace and quiet.”  Pg. 59.   

Truthfully, I was probably more fearful when I was younger than I am now.  I’ve found that the more I learn about God and the closer I get to Him the more He leads me to fully trust Him.  He is good and it’s true, “we would like to picture goodness as being synonymous with safety.”  Pg. 57.  However, when all we are concerned about is living in “safety," then we miss out on the true character of God.  We put God in a box and God is so much bigger and wilder than our boxes could ever contain.  But, complete surrender takes a lot of trust! 

“The truth is, we all come into this world with a predilection to live life under our own terms and according to our own understanding.” Pg. 62.  When we realize that we’re in God’s story rather than our own, though, our trust builds. 

I’m still on the journey to discovering the wildness of God.  About 3-4 years ago I was really convicted that I wasn’t living for relationship with God, but instead I was living for the blessings God provides.  I’ve learned Heaven is about being able to worship God and live in relationship with Him, not about getting the big mansion.  Life is about bringing glory to God’s Name and not about living for my complete comfort and happiness.   

I understand the “household-god religion” the authors talk about on pg. 53 and sadly, I think many churches preach this.  As I’ve followed the path to really seeking out God, sometimes I’ve felt cheated wondering what have I gotten myself into??!!  The almighty God I serve is too dangerous- I didn’t know that about Him!  There’s still such a need in my life to surrender to him, though. 

I relate with [the story of the prophet] Jeremiah on pg. 58.  He “complains that not only has God written a play that casts him in a devastating role, but that he has also placed a fire in his heart that will not let him leave the play even if he wants to.  And there is this fire in all of us, felt as a desire for intimacy and a hunger for meaning, that we must literally kill if we want to escape the play.”   God has answered and reassured me so many times when I’ve asked, “Do you really care for me, God?”  Because of this, I know I’m in the right place in His story and I rest in knowing Him.  That’s all that matters!  I really do want to understand His heart more clearly.

We're almost halfway through…Jeanie

NOTE TO SELF: As far as God goes, I really wanna go, "Where the Wild Things Are!"

Chris Tomlin singing, "Indescribable."

Observations from The Sacred Romance – Drawing Closer to the Heart of God (by Brent Curtis and John Eldredge) among a few friends.  Even if you've never read the book, we hope our own experiences will give you some things to think about and that you'll get in on the conversation, too…

On this chapter, Candi shares about her personal loss and sorrow, while Amy Jo reveals her plan for simplicity in faith.  Heather makes a strong case for getting off-line and in-to real relationship and I start to discover that I don't have my own story and hope God will notice me occasionally.  I am part of HIS story!

Chapter Four: A Story Big Enough to Live In

Candi kicked it off with this chapter:  Well, no wonder I've misunderstood the happenings of my life…I don't like fiction!  Oh, as a child I used to read lots of fiction.  I read tons of Nancy Drew, although my goal wasn't to enjoy the story, but rather be the one who had read all the books.  My husband has forever made fun of me for loving to read instruction manuals.  I'm a learner, an eternal student.  I don't read anything unless it's to learn something.  So I'm not interested in fiction, it takes too long.  I'm also a speed reader so I'm able to swiftly read a story, figure out the plot and read the conclusion in a fraction of the time it would take to read the whole story (I'll have you know, though: I am reading this whole book line by line and being careful not to read ahead.  I'm staying in the moment on this one!).

And guess what?!  Page 39 says, "Story is the language of the heart.  Our souls speak not in the naked facts of mathmatics (I love math and numbers) or the abstract propositions or systematic theology; they speak the images and emotions of story."  And "God created man because He loves stories," it says on page 40.  Just great, God loves fiction with a true-story twist!

As I've matured in my Christian walk, I can see how God has developed my own story.  Thanks to my mom's wisdom, she'd always tell me that sometimes things seem a certain way and in the moment can be very emotional, but she'd remind me that God would reveal His intent in those circumstances due time.

What I'm realizing is that it's easier to apply this wisdom to life's random occurences that are difficult.  For instance, last November I ended up in the hospital with a severe infection under the skin of my scalp.  It spread to my face, around my eyes, and down my left cheek.  It was very serious, and to top it all off, I also found out I was pregnant.  I spent 3 days in the hospital being pumped full of antibiotics which, thankfully, stopped the infection.  However, with much grief, I miscarried.  I'm still dealing with this, but I'm trying to allow time in my busy life to hear God, to catch the message God has for my spirit.  I'm still praying and I know God will answer.

Where I'm having the real difficulty accessing my Arrows and their messages is in the bad choices I've made and their consequences.  Do I really want to reveal my "dark" side?  Why is it that I have to let go of my pride and let others see who I really am – the sinner?  In the big picture, I know God forgives and through this forgiveness God is glorified, but why does my story have to include the whole enchilada?  Quite honestly, in ways, I don't want my story to be about a bigger story – I want to embrace our current Western culture where "life is just a sequence of images and emotions without rhyme or reason" (page 41).

I can appreciate the point the authors make that "our culture has been losing its story."  We are fast-paced, living in technology, go getters.  I like that I live in the age I do for its modern conveniences.  We've accomplished more than any who've come before us, – or have we?  I agree with page 43, "Without a past that was planned for us and a future that waits for us, we are trapped in the present.  There's not enough room for our souls in the present."  So the goal needs to be to interpret all of our personal experiences in the context of God's larger story and they need to incorporate both the Romance and the Arrows.  "If our particular version fails to take both of life's messages into account, to grant them proper weight, it will destroy us" (page 43).

So, I'm intrigued to learn more about God's story, His cosmic drama and how it applies to my own Romance and Arrows.  I trust the heart of God and what a journey this will be.  Who knows? By the end of this book, I might just learn to enjoy fiction.

Amy Jo says:  Ahhh….the story of my life…How do I explain the tough things that have happened and have yet to occur?  The beautiful thing is that I simply don't think I can or have to explain them.  I cannot know the mind of God or why He allows the circumstances that I don't understand beyond the fact that He loves me and wants what is best for me.  Do I trust Him?  Implicitly.  Do I always act like I trust Him?  Um, no.  Often I operate under the illusion that I have control over my life circumstances, but the reality is that I can only control myself: how I react, how I treat people, whether or not I choose to rely on God.  I do my best to live without regret, giving myself grace when I realize that the choices I have made in the past have been made using the tools I had at the time.  They may not have been perfect, but they have helped to make me who I am.  If I come to a place where I don't like what [my choices] have influenced me to be, I can simply chalk them up to experience – I've been there and done that, don't need to go there again.

That being said, I must say that I DO understand hopelessness…Does what I do matter?  Is God pleased with me?  I often fluctuate between the opinions that life goes by quickly and that life is interminable.  In college, I came across philosophies I had never heard before: nihilism, fatalism, determinism, etc.  After having only ever been exposed to Christian doctrine and forming my understanding of the world based solely on what I had been taught at church and youth group and private Christian school education, I really struggled with these "new" post-modern ideas!  I suddenly [wondered] if everything I  had been taught could be totally wrong: societal superstructures that mankind invented to help them feel they could explain their existance!  I remember telling people that "all the file folders in my my mind" were gone.  I had no place to neatly categorize information I used to "know" or had yet to encounter.  All I could see was meaningless waste, and I experienced an extreme sense of loss and lost-ness, numbness, apathy and dark hopelessness.

I don't know how or if I would have survived that time in my life if God had not been right there with me in the midst of it.  He allowed me to know three things for sure: 1. God loves me and loves people.  2. I am to love God and love people.  3. Worship – whatever form it takes – is never a waste of time.  SO – Imagine living your life simply off those three truths.  I believed that the reason for everything I did, anything that occupied my time (all the way down to brushing my teeth), absolutely HAD to come down to loving God or loving people.

Imagine living like this – put yourself in that place with me – get rid of all other opinions on politics, money, life goals, etc.  What a way to live!  At this stage in my life, I am able to say I know other things for sure [as well], but I do find myself longing for that kind of clarity again, that simplicity.  And maybe I can have it.

The authors of our book constantly tease us with the promise of understanding our place in the larger story.  They continually reference the elements of all good stories: good versus evil.  My hope is that we will discover freedom as we read this book together – freedom to live unfettered and confident in the outcome of the story: we win!  Why?  Because God wins.  All of the injustices we witness in this life – real or imagined – will be righted in the end, when our God comes to restore His Kingdom.  Let me live in the light of this truth!  Let me be bold, let me be wise, let me be Romanced by the King.

Here is what Heather is thinking: I want to start this chapter by first saying that Chapter 3, (The Message of the Arrows) has been on my mind quite often. I have asked God to show me some of the arrows that have been stuck in my heart and the lies I've believed because of them. It's just a beginning, but it's been really interesting to see some of the things that God's been waiting to uproot within me. I see freedom right around the corner from some of the chains I've allowed to be shackled to my ankles. It's brought hope to me.
 
Now about Chapter 4: A Story big enough to live in.
 
A great chapter! I was excited by the chapter title, because it felt "story-tale-like". I want to be a part of a fairy tale! I want to be rescued, I want to be courageous and fight for noble causes and the weak. I want to be whisked away into the happily ever after. Now, whether or not I want to be the brave warrior or the princess depends on the day (giggling here), but really, I want adventure!!
 
The chapter starts off with this: "Is there a reality that corresponds to the deepest desires of our heart?" Okay, you could stop right there, because that is a fabulous question! I have experienced my reality and the deepest desires of my heart becoming one, in total unity and harmony during different seasons of my life. They were times of challenge, courage and sacrifice. There were unknowns and possibilities of difficulty around every corner, but it was TOTALLY worth it! It makes my heart pound and excitment rise up in me just to think about it.
 
"The deepest convictions of our heart are formed by stories and reside there in the images and emotions of story, " page 38. I found myself thinking of how my life's story has affected me. In many ways my story has spurred me on to be the best I can be, while trying not to perpetuate the painful cycles of my life into the next generation. Good stuff to be sure, many can relate, I imagine. But this is not the totality of my story. The imagery in my mind is that of running forward, yet looking back over my shoulder. That is not living the Story I am meant to live, and if that is what I am doing, I'm missing out on so much! I know I haven't always been this way, I know there are passions in my heart, but I think that maybe the plot to my Story has been muddied and it's become unclear.
 
On page 43, "…we are searching desperately for a larger story in which to life and find our role." I so feel this to the core of my being. For many years I've considered being a parent as my place in the larger story. My role is to raise up the girls I have and equip them for the journey that awaits them. But the truth is, we are equipped while in the midst of the situations in which we need the equipping! In 2 Tim. 3 we are told that God equips us for every good work. He gives us the tools at the perfect time, at the exact moment we need them some times. He does NOT heap upon us every skill and ability we'll ever need all in one moment. So, I must live out my role so that I can be prepared for the days ahead and for my kids. Do I take my place in the Story only for their benefit? Of course not, but if I'm truly honest, they are what inspires me to press onward many days.
 
On page 40 the authors talk about how our culture has been losing its story. I feel this in the core of my being as well. I feel like we are grasping at the very remnants of what was once a great interweaving of people and their collective Stories. It saddens me that we have become so detached from one another. We don't talk to people, we aren't a people oriented country. People are the reason for the great Story! I bet there are arrows hidden within the hearts of us all that have caused us to cling to our little electronic trinkets instead of looking each other in the eyes to see what our Stories are actually saying. It really grieves me.
 
I am really praying that God will just do open heart surgery on me with this. I want to see my heart awaken to the Story I was meant to live. I know that in doing so He's going to need to pull out the arrows first, however. And while I want Him to do that, I can tell you that I've become quite comfortable with the familiarity of those arrows, and it's already becoming painfully obvious that this journey will be very uncomfortable. Purify me, Lord. You know where I'm at.

And finally, Jeanie:  It seems so easy to understand how everyone else is called and a part of God's larger story, but we barely hope to believe that could be true of us.  And if I have understanding of it at all, if there is any part of me that truly knows how integral I am in history to God's plan of the ages ("for such a time as this"), it would be because I am now a mom of grown children and a "Nonna."  So, I am finally getting some insight into this whole thing: my husband?…my children?…the people they have married, the granchildren they have given me?…They're the reason I was born!

And because I haven't always understood that and could not see my place in the big story, I have truly misinterpreted so much of life, and even continue to, if I may be totally honest.  I really want to get ahold of wisdom and understanding, though.  I really want to become a better, more discerning interpreter of my life in the light of God's plan.

Each year around my birthday, I become very melancholy, and it really isn't so much about getting older (since I can never remember how old I actually am, it is not a big deal to me), but just a general, vague wondering: why was I born and am I fulfilling all God had in mind?  Each year as the fall comes and the anniversary of my time on earth is marked by the calendar, I long to hear the story, once again, of how they didn't know if my mom would actually be able to carry a child to term due to serious miscarriages in which her life was endangered.  But during his time in prayer one January night, God told my dad that in 10 months, they'd have a baby girl.  For whatever reason, I need to be assurred of that on my birthday.  I just need reminding.

How exciting, though, to realize that the closer I get to God's heart, the closer I will be to everything I ever really have needed to know!  To quote a certain book about purpose a few years back: "it's not about me."

NOTE TO THE READERS/WRITERS: I'm a total non-fiction kind of woman, too, Candi!  I always get surprised when some one convinces me to read a novel and I find out that I can learn from it, too.  And your plan for a simple, uncomplicated faith sounds a lot like the great commandment Jesus taught in the New Testament, Amy Jo.  And Heather-how your strong and tireless belief in relationship has pulled me from the brink many times!

See previous chapter posts from all of us here and here.

We're just getting good and started!…Jeanie

NOTE TO SELF:  My story?  It is in Him!

Observations from The Sacred Romance – Drawing Closer to the Heart of God (by Brent Curtis and John Eldridge) among a few friends: Jeanie. Amy Jo, Heather, and Candi.  Like many of you, we are all busy and family-involved and serving God wholeheartedly.  We, too, though, have found that you can be doing lots of good things and still totally miss the joy-filled life God may have been planning.  What on earth gets us off-track?  We hope you'll let us know what you are thinking, too…

I told you I'd let you know a bit about each of us as we go along.  Today, I'll tell you about myself.  Everything you'd ever want to know about me, plus waaaaay more can be found on this very blog.  Check out the FYI page for general info about my life as a wife, mom of grown kids (raised 5 and lived to tell about it!) and being a "Nonna."  And go here for a collection of the writings I think describe my true thoughts, fears and victories, with titles like "Women of Fury," "The Confessions of a Baby-Book-Challenged Mom," "The Stoning," "After the Loss," and more.  That is pretty much me in a nutshell!

Chapter Two: An Unknown Romancing AND Chapter Three: The Message of the Arrows

From Jeanie: In Chapter 2, Brent wrote, "Each of us has a geography where the Romance first spoke to us.  It is usually the place we both long to see again and fear returning to for fear our memories will be stolen from us."

Oh, I so totally understand what he is saying.  I have long known that I had this incubated existance, this sort of joyful and worry-free patch of sunny-God-interwoven-everywhere-living on York Street in Des Moines, Iowa.  I tell Dave, "I need to go back there."  It isn't about the city, but I need to go.  I need to get out of the car and walk on York Street, inhale it, touch it, look deeply.

I realize that longing is strange, but I left a little girl there in 1970, a girl who was trusting of life and carefree.  She was innocent, running barefoot through grassy yards and across the alley to her best friend, Nancy's house.  She played outside way past dark on summer nights chasing lightening bugs to the sound of crickets chirping and locusts humming steadily.  She had a friendly camraderie with Shorty, the family milkman.  She assembled dolls made from neighbor's Holleyhocks and toothpicks.  Some days she and her little friends sold sparkly alley rocks to the (so-indulging) elderly neightbors for a quarter and a trip to the corner grocery to buy a sack full of penny candy.  She played on a rusty swing set surrounded by the sweet, heavy aroma of lilacs.  She went to church every Sunday (twice) happy and confident in her role as the pastor's daughter, and enjoyed the Bible Studies her parents hosted every Thursday night at her house: the screen door swinging open and shut repeatedly, people coming and going, her mom at the piano, song filling the air.

There was a big fan in the window on hot nights where that little girl and her siblings all five slept sideways in one bed to share the cool breeze.  An enclosed porch on the less-used side of the big stucco house provided a place for quiet moments – playing with Barbies or planning a backyard circus with playmates.  Her dogs had puppies and holidays were with extended family, lots of cousins!  Grandma's house was just up the street and cousin Diana so close they walked together to school.  Mom was home and dad loved to play the Edwin Hawkins Singers (O, Happy Day) or the Singing Rambos on the Hi-Fi so loud it reverberated around the block.  She fussed over three younger brothers and a baby sister.  She was already an organizer, planning neighborhood relay events and creating the prizes and ribbons to hand out.  She read, Peanuts, and Mrs Wiggs of the Cabbage Patch, and walked to and from a safe and accepting elementary school everyday.  She was a little girl who sang her heart out all of the time: at church, at school, in the living room with family, while she was swinging in the backyard, in the basement playing church (interspersed with preaching hell-fire and damnation).  She sang upstairs draped in a blanket pretending to be Nancy Harmon leading the Victory Voices and sometimes alone, a reflective song when no one else knew (she even heard the music of heaven once when her mom thought she was napping).

I just didn't know…I didn't know, in those days, there was a world apart from God's Presence and this peaceful safety.  I don't know what I thought was going to happen?  I don't know why I was so unprepared for the end of innocence?  I get that at some point, I knew something, grasped peace and my part in God's heart, and I lost it (through what Beth Moore calls the "captivity of activity").

Which naturally takes us straight to Chapter 3: the Message of the Arrows.  And here is how I know the Arrows that have hit my heart over the years, (sometimes one or two at a time, seemingly powerless and unaffecting, and at other times in the way the author explained as, "a hail of projectiles that blocked out the sun,") have left their message.  I know because a new loss or pain or arrow causes an uprorious reaction, a reaching into the past to assauge the sudden sharp dart brings recognition: I have been hit in this exact spot before – again and again.  Yes, they have left their messages which "intimidate us into self-reliance," which is only self-defeat.  After an arrow-blackened sky a couple of weeks ago, my husband shared with me a scene from "The 300" when the Spartans were threatened by their enemies, "We will cover the sky with arrows."  Their reply was, "Then we'll fight in the [dark]."  And that is my plan!

I am realizing more and more that we live a life of "particular" and peculiar convictions, thinking we just have weird personalities, when in fact, it has been survival, a result of believing the errant messages:  I have to try harder.  I have to put in more hours than anyone else.  I have to prove my worth.  I have to take care of myself.

After becoming totally stuck on the question on page 33, "How many losses can one heart take?", I was glad to see the chapter end with this hopefulness:  "…the arrows aren't the final word."  Like the Psalmist, I too, would have long ago despaired unless I had believed I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living!

Amy Jo says:  On Chapter 2, First of all, I'd like to say that this chapter got my attention from the get-go, simply because Anne Dillard's name appeared on the same page as Frederick Buechner's…nice.  I respect them both, and coming from a critic's point of view, these boost my confidence in the authors of our book.

"Something wonderful woos us…something fearful stalks us" (page 14).  Ah, yes, the ever-present, back-and-forth struggle of temporal life on this earth!  I love Brent's colorful description of his earliest memories of the calling of Romance, and as I read, I couldn't help but be drawn back into my own childhood: the long days of no responsibility, freedom to play, unfiltered and unapologetic philosophical ideas of and inquiries into my little world.  I would say in response to his lament of its passing on page 18, that even though my life has grown in complexity and responsibility since then, I have thankfully never outgrown my relationship with the calling of Romance.  I still encounter it frequently and do my best to never take it for granted: a sliver-gold moon on a foggy night, a sunset that tints my whole neighborhood in a surreal golden glow, fully putting myself into treasure-hunting-secret-tunnel-exploring mode while watching the movie, "National Treasure," snuggling my pug in the patch of sunlight from the skylight in my ceiling, etc.  I am having trouble, however, understanding the distinction the authors are trying to draw between Romance and idealism – if they are trying to draw one at all.  Idealism holds such a negative connotation, and I find myself struggling to differentiate between the romance of the call of Romance and what my world has labeled "childishness."  Hmmm…

Page 19 states that in the journey of our hearts, Romance has most often come to us in two forms: the longing for adventure, which requires something of us, and the desire for intimacy, to be truly known by some one.  I believe that life here on earth is all about both, and I agree with the authors that God has "left us all with the haunting of this Sacred Romance to draw us home" (page 21).

As for The Message of the Arrows in Chapter Three, I cannot help but read this chapter with the image of the "whole armor of God" (Ephesians 6.10-20) in the forefront of my mind.  I have always pictured "the fiery darts of the wicked one" as arrows, so the idea of arrows is not unfamiliar to me.  It was a new concept, however, to consider that I could make sure that the arrows that were meant to hit their mark and missed, would find their way to my vitals!  How many times could I have shaken off a harsh word, criticism, or unkind deed and submitted it to the truth of Christ, but instead chose to pick up the arrow and insert it directly into my heart?  How many times have I chosen to be wounded?

Page 28 states that "Our deepest convictions are formed without conscious effort, but the effect is a shift deep in our soul.  Commitments form never to be in that position again, never to know that sort of pain again."  Now THIS I can relate to…and I must concede that after significant pain, trust in God's ability to heal my pierced heart dwindles, so I invent my own barricades from the world.  I put up a wall and post imaginary watchmen there.  And if those don't seem to be enough, I'll also surround my wall with a moat, assuring myself that these will surely keep me from having to be healed by God again.  How tragic is it that I would hold off God's grace in such an unteachable fashion?

*Side note from Amy Jo: Regarding my question about the authors' understanding of my heart's "deceitful wickedness" (Jeremiah 17.9), "The Romance whispers that we are some one special, that our heart is good because it is made for someone good; the Arrows tell us we are a dime a dozen, worthless, even dark and twisted, dirty" (page 32).  Still wondering if/how they will address the effect the fall of man has had on the longings of my heart…

Candi's thoughts: First I'd like to say that I get this book…I really get this book.  These chapters did such an incredible job of putting into words what I've been feeling.  Second, I'm a pretty happy person.  I was recently described as "well adjusted," which I liked!  However, when you're well-adjusted and usually in a good mood, others assume you haven't had issues to deal with.  If only I had a dollar for every time someone said to me, "You have a perfect life."  Well, on page 31 it says, "It is as if we have all been 'set up' for a loss of heart."  And my heart has been no exception.

It has been very challenging to pinpoint the Romance for me…I've had quite a few Arrows.  My childhood felt fairly serious.  I grew up as the youngest of 3 and by the time I was born (my siblings are 8 and 10 years older than me) our family was filled with stress and no one got along.  Many disagreements stemmed from the fact that my mom was a Christian and my dad was not.  My family members always argued very loudly and things would be broken…there was always an underlying tension waiting to explode.  I was traumatized by this, living in fear.  I became the peacemaker between all members of the family since I tend to get along with everyone.  I would feel the Romance when there was unity in our family.  It's as if we belonged together in spite of our struggles and differences.

In my childhood I definitely played with friends and experienced carefree times of imagination and pretend play.  These times, however, don't spark strong feelings of "romance" for me.  I feel as if they weren't enough to cover the turmoil that existed in my family.  Also, I was taught that you can imagine that you can be anything your heart desires, but don't get your hopes up too high.  So I didn't and now I wonder if I even had dreams…I was taught to focus on the "ought to's."

I did feel the Romance when I went away to college.  I was on my own and didn't have to live in the turmoil of my family.  There were new opportunities that awaited me.  There are times I've felt the Romance in my marriage when my husband and I have connected spiritually and emotionally and I absolutely love sharing the role of parent with him.

Lately, though, I've really been focused on finding the Romance in my Christian walk, although I didn't know that's what it was that I was trying to find until reading this book.  Page 20 says, "It is the core of our spiritual journey.  Any religion that ignores it survives only as guilt-induced legalism, a set of propositions to be memorized and rules to be obeyed."  Page 18 says, "Contemporary Christianity has often taught us to mistrust it, for fear it will lead us into some New Age heresy, unwittingly giving away what deeply belongs to Christian faith.  We are certainly rarely told to listen to it, look for it, follow it to its source."  Having come from a very legalistic Christian upbringing I know I was told this, though it seems to me that finding this Romance is the only way to fully embrace my spiritual walk and make it last a lifetime.  However, I must deal with the Arrows and their messages…

The last few years I've really been trying to search for and deal with the Arrows.  It all started when I gave my testimony about 3 years ago and strong emotions resurfaced from my past.  It was as if I was in the moments, re-living them.  This was difficult for me as I don't wear my emotions on my sleeve much.  I'm well-adjusted, logical, collected.  Prior to this, I, too, had placed an Arrow in my heart to kill the tears of mourning inside.  And we all have tears, the Arrows, the messages – OUCH!

On page 33 it says, "Instead of dealing with the Arrows, we silence the longing…we lose heart."  Well, today I've decided that I don't want my longings silenced anymore.  I want to figure out exactly what my heart desires and refuses to be silent about!  Where it says, on page 33, "Somehow our head and heart are on separate journeys and neither feels like life," well, I'm ready to place my head and heart on the same journey.  I'm ready for the Romance and the Arrows to be reconciled.  I want the life that's full and complete that God intended for me so that His Name will be glorified through my life!

Here's Heather's response: Ugh.  I felt like such a mess while reading this chapter.  It's overwhelming to me.  Why did I feel hopeless reading this chapter??  I did not like Annie Dillard's quote at the beginning, "We wake, if we ever wake at all, to mystery."  I may not fully understand what she meant by this, but to me she sounded hopeless!  My heart is not fully awake, it is guarded and obviously there are Arrows that have been stuck there since childhood.  So, if I do wake up, then what do I have to look forward to?  More mystery!?  I realized in this chapter that for all the Arrows still stuck in my heart, I've been breaking off the ends and leaving the tips inside so as not to "appear wounded."  Great.

I laid in bed trying to look back over my life to circumstances or situations where I felt the romancing.  I couldn't remember any.  I asked God to show me the romancing of my childhood, and I just didn't see it.  I saw, as I've shared before, these moments where a window opened up to me and I could see God.  I would say it would be then He was wooing or romancing me, as if to say, there is something better for you.  Thankfully, He didn't give up on me…

In speaking about our inner story, "It is a story whose plot contains both mystery and magic as well as foreboading and anxiety – what philosophers call 'angst.'  When we listen most attentively to the inner story our hearts tell us about, most of us are aware that the plot revolves around two very different messages, or revelations" (page 14), one being the romancing.  I am having a hard time with this.  I am sure it is because of the mangled mess of my heart.  But I am really struggling to find this romancing as a kid, "Life's first revelation – that great romance."  I just cannot find it looking back on my childhood.  I wanted it.  I remember wanting it.  I remember lonliness as a kid.  I remember fear, not being safe and being alone.  Yes, I played, but those aren't strong memories in my mind.  I felt soooo much of the anxious atmosphere I lived in. 

…Wait, a memory has been recovered!!!  I remember lying on the floor of my grandma's apartment and the light from the sun was shining down on me through the window.  I was listening to Dolly Parton's "Island in the Stream."  I remember thinking to myself that everything was perfect in that moment.  I felt warm, secure, and I remember wishing it would stay like that forever.  That's my moment.

On pages 20-21, they quote C.S. Lewis talking about the pursuit and breakthrough of finding the "something I was made for," and the "secret signature of the soul."  I just loved these descriptions.  He says, "…The incommunicable and unapppeasable want, the thing we desired before we met our wives or made our friends or chose our work, and which we shall still desire on our deathbeds, when the mind no longer knows wife or friend or work.  While we are, this is.  If we lose this, we lose all."  This I resonated with.  This is my purpose, my pursuit and fulfillment and my completion.  I have no idea what it is, though!!  That actually makes me laugh – probably because I now know it's in there, somewhere, and I only have to ask God to come in to help me find it.

I guess this chapter helped me to see that I never fully experienced the romancing as a child (or I simply cannot recall it), and I never had an understanding of the "secret signature of the soul" growing up.  I really had it very backwards.  I can at least begin the journey now.  Thankfully, in writing these words, what began as a feeling of hopelessness is now, at least, replaced with hope.

Regarding the Message of the Arrows (Chapter 3), Ahhhh yes, the Arrows.  No doubt we are all familiar with this concept, no matter our backgrounds or beliefs.  I must say Psalm 91 holds a special place in my heart.  I run to that scripture when I need protection, and it always lifts me up and breathes God's courage into me.  However, to know that the messages from the Arrows are the lies I have believed, and in many ways even lived my life by, is tragic.  I have heard this before, but it's now that I feel like God is wanting to uproot these lies in my life.  Remember from Chapter 2, the tips of the Arrows are still stuck in my heart.  These are the lies, I'm sure, the poison that has caused my heart such sickness.

On page 27, this question is presented to us: "Think of how you've handled the affliction that has pierced your own heart.  How did the arrows come to you?  Where did they land?  Are they still there?  What have you done as a result?"  And referring to when the Arrows strike, "It feels more like an ambush and our response is at a gut level.  We may never put words to it.  Our deepest convictions are formed without conscious effort, but the effect is a shift deep in our soul."  This is so true.  I've hardened my heart, I've held people at arm's length and made the deep, intimate parts of my heart (where my dreams, desires, hopes and passions truly lie), off limits.  So much so, that as I have stated before, I don't even know what I feel in the deep places anymore.  I've become a stranger, even to myself.  I have believed the messages that many of the Arrows have communicated to me and thus, these have become my truths.

On page 30 that author states, "…there was a part of me that refused to be healed, or filled or freed, or whatever it was that my heart refused to be silent about."  I understand that.  Why open yourself up to healing or freedom when you first must open up the vault of all the lies and wounds?  That's where I've been for so long.  I confessed in Chapter 1 that God has been pursuing me, only now, I am willing to risk it all to let Him in to have freedom and healing.

NOTE TO THESE WOMEN:  I am so honored you are exposing your hearts and thoughts and gracing my blog site with your words and discoveries!

Thank-you again, Amy Jo, Heather and Candi.  Your honesty blesses me!…Jeanie

NOTE TO READERS: We already know what the next God-directed-book will be.  Wanna do this???  e-mail me…

NOTE TO SELF: "The arrows aren't the final word."

See our written thought on chapter one here

Observations of The Sacred Romance – Drawing Closer to the Heart of God (by Brent Curtis and John Eldredge) among a few friends.  As we progress, I'll let you in on a little about this group.  For now, suffice it to say, we are all Christ-following women.  We are all married.  One of us has grown children and grandchildren (guess who!).  Two of us have young children in the home.  We range between 30 and 48 1/2 in years.  We all attend different churches in the north Denver-metro area, even though we initially met through some blessed years at one fellowship of wonderful believers.  We hope you'll let us know what you are thinking, too…

Chapter One: The Lost Life of the Heart

From Amy Jo:  "We have learned from parents and peers, at school, at work, and even from our spiritual mentors that something else is wanted from us other than our heart, which is to say, that which is most deeply us.  Very seldom are we ever invited to live out of our heart.  If we are wanted, we are often wanted for what we can offer functionally."  page 5

How many times in the last 10 years have I lamented with my own version of this exact sentiment?  I know I am valuable.  I know I am talented.  The problem is that no one in this world values what I am good at, enough to want to pay me for it.  And that is it, isn't it?  Our parents do their best to teach us that we are unique and special and that God has put us here on the earth to do something that no one else can do.  Then, after bumping around the world for awhile, offering what we think we are supposed to be offering, we begin to wonder if maybe what we love in our hearts isn't as "great" as we once thought; we start to bury our passions and fill our time with what is rewarded in our society: hard science, leadership and managerial skills, money-making ideas, etc.  Adventure and creativity stop being anything but hobbies, or that to which we turn in a pinch to help out the bottom line.

The authors draw distinction between the outer, external life, where we operate on "ought to's" rather than desires, and the inner life, which is comprised of passions and dreams.  And while I am beginning to read this book with cautious optimism, I don't believe that the authors will deny the social and spiritual importance of doing what we "ought" rather than always doing what we desire.  I wonder if and how they will address Jeremiah 17.9, "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.  Who can understand it?"  I am wondering if this book can really help put me in better touch with the romancing of my heart by God's heart.  May it be so!

From Jeanie: I pray it is true, too, Amy Jo!  And on that point (figuring out how God has been romancing you and calling you all along) I think it will be!

The first sentence was like a you-had-me-at-hello thing for my experiences this past couple of years: "…in…life's middle years of service and busyness, a voice speaks to us in the midst of all we are doing…There is something more." And can I just tell you, I fought that voice and sense of missing things by working harder, and getting busier and forcing everyone around me to do the same?  I am pretty sure God was trying set me free from the fear of man (which is a snare, a noose around your neck) and approval addiction and living in "Shouldsville" for like 20+ years!  I know I am not alone in having let busyness and drivenness represent my worth to the world in exchange for living in peace and passion. (I like what Brennen Manning says, "You need to quit 'shoulding' all over yourself.")

I can't get past the scriptural crux of the matter: "Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life" (Prov. 4.23).  My dad sent me this book encouraging me to read it, but I want to because I really need to know how to guard my heart.  I need my heart to be the refuge, the place where God's very Presence resides in me.  So I want to know what to let go of and what to cling to to make a sure place for His Presence, the great joy of my life.

I love how the authors call the Christian life a "love affair of the heart," and speak of "the cosmic love affair created with us in mind."  I long for that, yet struggle to live it and walk in communion with my Romancer instead of doing activities for Him.  Case-in-point, one morning this week I woke up with a strong desire to just tell God how much I loved Him.  "How do I love Thee?  Let me count the ways…" was pouring from my heart.  I couldn't wait to brew some coffee and get good pen and paper to write a list for Him, just a love letter so He'd know.  I wasn't more than 4 or 5 items down the list when it took a turn – I began writing with the thought of what an inspirational teaching this would make for people or how I could make a blog post from it.  Aaaaaarrrrgggghhhh%$#@!  Help, me, God!  Now that, Amy Jo, is a deceitful heart!

From Heather:  Well, I just finished chapter one.  I want to just sit back and chew on it all.  First thoughts:  God's been calling me to rest.  He's been calling me for some time.  First I thought it was rest from ministry, and in part it was, but as I look back on it now, it was because I'd lost my intimacy with Him and my dependence on Him.  So, I came to understand that rest meant rest in Him, in His Word.  There I would find my rest, my peace, but I really haven't [gone there], not like I need to.

Then recently God showed me how my spirit needs His Word.  I have been weak spiritually.  Not that I am feeling tempted into sin, not like that – just frail.  I've known this for a long time, so why do I let myself starve like this???

I ache for intimacy, I literally hurt (yup, I'm going there – deal with it).  Sadly, I've blamed others for this lack of intimacy.  Only recently have I even asked myself if I am the problem here.  Have I felt the deep love of my Creator envelope me?  Yes, I have, and it's always beyond words and so very amazing.  I have gotten busy.  I have shut out the passions of my heart.  I've been hurt.  I have been pierced, thus I put up walls.  I know I'm not alone, but how on earth am I supposed to let those walls down again and live with that passion????  I AM GUARDED and more cynical than ever before.

At one point [the authors] are comparing the contrast between the "ought to's" and the "desire to's" and I picture my girls tugging on my shirt to come and play with them.  Do I want to?  YES!!  It sounds whimsical and free.  But the duties of life are yelling at me, all around me, and I feel overwhelmed.  I really do.  I want the freedom to live through the passion within my heart, but you know what?  I have heard a message over and over for so many years: that my heart is not trustworthy and I am too emotional.  Maybe they aren't really in the same category, maybe I am confusing some things here.  Maybe that's part of my problem, but you know what?  I don't really trust my heart, either, because of the messages I have received, or because of the pain that is welled up within.  Maybe a mixture of both.

[Concerning the emptiness and restlessness we all feel at some point], I've only recently begun to really attempt to understand the emptiness.  It's growing and it's painful.  I know that God is speaking to me through it.  I know He is beckoning me, even now, through this book, I know it.  Help me, God to understand the mess that is my heart and all that is tangled up with it.  YIKES!!  Did I just pray that??  Have mercy on me, Lord!

And Candi:  Funny how God provides when we ask…Lately I've been really praying about my feelings of "reckless abandonment."  I completely related to the statement on page 1 that says, "We sense a passion deep within that threatens a total disregard for the program we are living; it feels reckless, wild." 

Although I am generally a rule-follower and an organized planner, I've always had an element of wildness and it usually comes in the form of comedic humor (editor's note-read here for proof).  Lately, though, I've been completely overwhelmed by my duties: homemaker, wife, mother, church attender, bookkeeper, salesperson.  And while all these roles incorporate many of my God-given gifts, I've felt that my heart is just not in them.

Maybe God has/had something completely different in store for me.  I was taught more to embrace the "ought to's" in life and the "want to's" were the things you did if you had time.  AND NOW I DON'T HAVE TIME!!!  I'm left wondering if this is all there is?  And after listening to my heart – this is when I tell my heart to be quiet and be content in my life.  It's not about me.  God has provided all my needs and I have nothing to complain about. 

I question the author on page 7 when he says: "…the voice that calls to us…is none other than the voice of God."  Is he giving me permission to listen to the voice of discontenment?  I'm anxious to see how he addresses this.  And in my life I'm still asking – where is the romance?…the love affair?…the adventure?

You know how it's said to focus on the things we do want, not the things we don't want?  Well, I haven't focused enough on the "do want" stuff and I don't really think I can tell you what my heart as a child desired.  Some of my childhood circumstances didn't provide for that and even as a child I was taught to focus on "don't want" stuff.  So in reading this book, I will be expoloring my "heart's desires" on the journey and drawing closer to the heart of God.  The most important goal I want to achieve is developing that complete romantic, dutiful, honoring, life-sustaining  relationship with my Father God.  With a total focus on His Word, I will read this entire book and pray that it brings me one step closer to achieving this!

Thanks Amy Jo, Heather and Candi!  These are ordinary women with extraordinary hearts.  I hope you're enjoying this as much as I am!…Jeanie

NOTE TO SELF:  Guard heart.  Trust it, too – it's the the bubbling, flowing, deeply-provisional water and wellspring of my life.

Check out www.ransomedheart.com for more John Eldridge books and resources!