Even though I know, in my brain at least, I can’t earn God’s favor or the salvation He freely gives me, I constantly fall back in to trying to compensate Him for it: to pay Him back.  I try to do more and work harder to show Him my sincerity.  I try to pay my own way.

In the little book I wrote in anticipation of Sawyer’s birth a few weeks ago, this little rhyme-variation came to me as I pondered what Sawyer should always know about the Father’s love in her life:

He loves me,

He loves me lots!

He loves me,

He loves me lots!  

Those are the only choices, actually, yet I struggle to comprehend them for myself.

My conclusion, of course, is that not only am I unable to earn God’s love and favor (and believe me, I have tried), but I have nothing to pay Him with either.  Remember when Micah asked how he could come before Him, what he could bring?

Shall I give my firstborn for my transgression,

The fruit of my body for the sin of my soul?  (6.7b NKJV)

I default to making payment too quickly.  And now I am actually doing it in my dreams.  Recently, I awake exhausted from working so hard, running so far, climbing steep ladder or hills and working, working, working – hoping God is noticing.  In my dreams!  This is no bueno.

Today I am praying for God to help me understand mercy: NOT getting what I deserve, that is mercy.  I am praying to be delivered from being receiver-challenged (unable to receive His love and forgiveness, His grace and His sacrifice on my behalf).  I am praying to understand, at least a little, how He gives so freely without it being about what I can do for Him or give to Him.  These are big prayers.  Such a long way to go…